It’s hard to fathom how much one day, one experience, one person can change your existence instantaneously. There was the good, the bad, and the ugly. So to keep it simple – let’s start with the basics. I mean real basic.
As I sit and write this, I go back into my mind and replay things that were seemingly normal, but in explaining them to you I realize they weren’t that normal at all. I get a good laugh on the regular trying to come up with how to explain the details to you without missing any key elements. Starting with and not limited to the fact that for over 25 years, most of the conversations I have had with strangers I was naked or pretty damn close to it. With that said, let me try to paint a picture for you.
Have you ever wondered what the conversations were like while I was working at a strip club? Immediately after each stage show, I would go out to an area of the club to meet my fans, take pictures, and sign autographs.
Conversation. Conversation is basic, right? Naked maybe takes it up a notch, but this isn’t a talk about me, it is about the instantaneous change directed towards me post-“We Made You.”
Before: “What’s your favorite position?
After: “What was it like to meet Eminem?”
Before: “Will you have sex with me?”
After: “Did you have sex with Eminem?
My so-called peers, who didn’t hate me for my success playing Palin, hated me after the release of “We Made You.” Right after we shot the video, I knew my Safety Clock was ticking. Safety Clock is what I call the clock that started ticking in my head when my life changed, when I became hated. It was when a team of hateful people banded together and formed an alliance that, to this day, still does what they can to cause chaos in my life. I live in a state of fear that I hope none of you ever live in. The world is active in conversation about bullying, but the bullies only care about the conversation that revolves around their hateful actions. Unsurprisingly, jealousy often fuels that hatred.
After “We Made You,” that jealously-fueled hatred became quickly apparent. People made me miserable on set, saying horrible things behind my back and to my face. I realized how real the hate really was when I almost became involved in a physical altercation with a male director. Luckily I had the intuition that I was walking into a situation that could be physically unsafe, so I requested a specific production manager to be present at the show with me, for my protection. I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t done that, because out of the other 25 to 30 people on set, not one person stepped in to stop the chaos other than that production manager.
In my mind, I should have been on a natural high over my latest accomplishment. Instead, I became fearful of harassment and was bullied constantly by my peers and other professionals in the business. Not to worry, nothing will take away from my personal pride in being a part of something so awesome, but I will admit, it changed my life and, for quite some time, there was more bad than good.
Then one day, the dark clouds over me parted just for a minute and I got the call of all calls. One I had been waiting for and secretly manifesting. There is one company in the industry that any porn star at any given time would jump to be a part of. They are successful, respected, and teach the stars within their company brand how to be successful sales representatives. They have a marketing team, incredible staff, win awards year after year and, most importantly, they offer us a lucrative and fair lifetime deal with them. To become a Fleshlight Girl is the only legitimate endorsement deal available in the adult business.
It was finally MY turn. My turn to go to Austin, Texas, and meet the masterminds behind Fleshlight. Everything about this new venture was special, including where I would be staying while I was in Austin. To ensure I would have a unique experience in Austin, Fleshlight booked me a room at the Driskill Hotel. The Driskill is not only the oldest hotel in Austin, but it is also a haunted hotel. My first night after check-in, I was given a tour and told all the fascinating stories and history of the magnificent hotel.
The next morning, I was ready to go to meet the team and shoot some promotional pictures. We were shooting the pictures at the family ranch that spreads over a couple hundred acres filled with nature and the most incredible horse stables I have ever seen. In the middle of the stables was an entertainer’s room where the family could sit and enjoy the company of the horses. The horses had indoor and outdoor access to their stalls. There was a kindness to the animals and a love for nature that made me melt with joy.
I was greeted at the ranch by two people that I still hold in high regard, Steve and Kathy Shubin, the dynamic duo and married couple behind Fleshlight. For those of you who might not know what Fleshlight is, it’s a sex toy – a male masturbator – and some of the models are molded from the actual vaginas of female porn stars. And this amazing device was designed by Steve Shubin. Steve and Kathy are the coolest couple I have ever met for sure. As I sat in the makeup chair, Steve spoke eloquently about all of their life experiences, which brought us right back to why I was there in the first place – to be molded for my very own Fleshlight. How, why, and when were my curious questions and, without even asking, the Shubins shared their story with me. The most beautiful, loving story about him and his wife, a pregnancy in her 40’s, and some very strict instructions from their doctor. During the pregnancy, the doctor recommended they should refrain from having sex due to the level of risk involved in the pregnancy. With that, came this, the mindset to invent something that would simulate the feeling of sex with his wife. Patents were filed, research began and, though it took years to perfect, they never gave up.
The fact that Fleshlight was invented out of love is pretty damn awesome. It was awesome enough to rekindle my faith in people. While it reminded me of my faith in love, I also was able to remember love trumps hate. So instead of focusing on the hate, I had a real story, a real experience that touched me on so many levels at just the right time.
Fleshlight is still and always will be my greatest memory of life after Eminem.
This piece was published by The Stashed June 13th, 2016
Photo Credit: Fleshlight